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Monday, 7 November 2016

BORN IN THE WRONG BODY...


I was born in the wrong body... 

When I was growing up, I heard this needling belief from some feminine gays and trans people that they were born in the wrong body. They even strongly criticised their selves and also confronted their family members about it. Is it really true to say and even believe firmly that they were born in the wrong body? Or, they just couldn't see the bigger picture because of what they have regarded as true? In connection with this, how about when we were starting to embrace our sexualities and transitioning? Do you think we all still castigated our bodies and punished our well-being? 

We were young and for many, our innocence was full of positivity with no obtrusive assumptions and deep-seated questions about ourselves and to others... 

In our childhood years, many of us had wonderful memories which we treasure now and until our last day on Earth. These recollections were shared and for me especially with my loving parents, engaging relatives and energetic playmates. Those years have passed but the memories frame permanently in my mind because of the warmth, affection and the unconditional love. Amongst these was when my dearest parents nurtured me to surpass my vulnerabilities. They also allowed me to grow stronger by encouraging and guiding myself to face my weaknesses and demons. Isn't it a very sustaining way to grow up? Have you even remembered the endless joy of laughter shared with our childhood friends while enjoying our refreshments? The wooden and mechanical toys we played in their houses, on the streets and even in our own humble abodes?

The occurrence of changes was gradual but it left a huge structured impact... 

We started asking ourselves why we felt sexually different and most of the time, curiosity got the best of us. Our flourishing sexualities made us meddlesome and very inquisitive with what we emotionally felt and physically saw. Our once very innocent minds became incredibly yet particularly inquisitorial with the biologically unfamiliar changes in us. Apart from that, we enjoyed more the company of girls and their giggles became our giggles, too! They liked us and we soon started sharing their accessories specifically hair clips, head bonds and jewelry. We became more like them especially when they asked us to wear their clothes and shoes. We were very excited to see ourselves in front of the mirror and their encouraging cheers boosted us emotionally. A boundless smile resided on our faces and the buoyancy of our attitude remained in us. 

When we were with our parents especially with our mothers, we engaged more with them because of our emotional curiosity as a girl. We asked questions only a girl will find very interesting and to us, it was more an unconscious embracing of our femininity. Realistically, we were very absorbed by their affectionate answers which made us quite responsive to everything they uttered. Gradually, we abandoned our boy toys and our love for our supportive fathers evolved in a more affectionate way.

Things unfolded and our minds were opened to a much higher level... 

When we started our respective schools, we discovered lots of things both educationally and in other ways. Science as a subject gave us clarity about our bodies but other reading materials (magazines, encyclopedias, internet etc.) also broadened our understanding. We even desired more information in order to augment our knowledge. We had an exceptional determination to uncover who we were and why we felt like our girl friends, our sisters, our aunts and our mothers. Our analytical minds unveiled more truths of who we were which was very sustaining for our own well-being. We helped ourselves and we nurtured our growth. This made us robust when we integrated into our society as a girl/woman. 

The integration progressed and our sexualities evolved more deeply... 

Puberty stage took us to a much more forwarding curiosity which led to more delicate questions. Inevitably, we saw physical changes in us and even asked courageously our mothers as well our girl friends about it. We already knew the answers based on the knowledge taught by our science teachers and the reading materials we read in and outside of our schools. Moreover, when we were growing up we saw the physical differences in between our mothers and sisters in comparison to our fathers and brothers. 

We had delicate and troubled years with unknown answers and paths. In those years we questioned our biological bodies and even didn't want to see it. Strikingly we even raised the questions; Am I born in the wrong body or is this really my body? Consequently, we didn’t want to be a young adolescent man every time we saw our nakedness in the bathroom or when we adhered to the detested haircut policy. 

Adolescent stage was full of trials and revealed lots of truths about us; who we truly were behind our clothes and physical appearances. 

Realistically speaking, not all of us had beautiful childhood and teenhood memories. We may not have the same starting point when transitioning but it doesn’t mean, I or she is far better than you. We have surmounted fruitfully all life's trials thrown upon us and it has been indeed a colourful and beautiful life. Our triumphant battles were based on our beliefs and how sturdy we have been. So, will you still say you were born in wrong body? 

We encountered more new faces with different attitudes and gained extra friends with the same orientations and inclinations. We were more attracted to men and even thought of them as our beaus or someone we wish to be as our partners/husbands. Erotically speaking, we even fancied making love with them all night long. In a leap, our minds flew somewhere deep-rooted and we asked ourselves again and again and again this ingraining question. Despite the fact we already had deeper understanding of ourselves. Yes, we still think we were born in the wrong body! 

We are very inquisitive by nature especially when we nurtured our intellectual minds. We perceive things differently and supported them with substantial reasoning to become firm ideas. When we were exposed to a new environment, the learning process continued and it wont end until we die. Essential teachings at schools nurtured our growth as well as guided us to learn more. We became voracious readers who yearned for more knowledge. However, our sturdy belief in ourselves was challenged and our development grew with fears. In particular, when the naughty and bullying people tested our patience and took advantage of our own weakest spot. It was in their nature to put down someone they see us weak and soft. Sadly, we didn’t allow them to overpower us which led to a rewarding triumph. We have to admit also that their domineering personalities made us strong and stronger apart from simply ignoring them. This is one fact of life we learnt when mingling in a new environment and when we started discovering our weaknesses and strengths. If all things are just given to us, we will never be able to stand-up on our own feet or cope with the test of nature. It was unavoidably a mixed touchstone for us all but at the end, a colourful odyssey emerged. 

We pursued our visions in life and created a fortitude... 

Years have passed but we still stayed in contact with our advocate friends during our younger years. We cannot simply abandon them as we shared with them our unexpected laughter, giggles about crushes and even irritations about life. More importantly, they were their when we needed reinforcement and a boost of the belief in ourselves. 

Life is full of challenges but giving-up is not the best solution... 

We were tested emotionally and torn into pieces as well as reaching the stage of giving-up. We encountered varieties of discrimination which even outweighed our intellectual understanding and physical prowess. Characteristically, we were taunted for being very soft and even made the subject for embarrassment by our alpha teachers and classmates. Yes, they made us very weak and we thought of those people as abhorrently diabolic. Yes, we were discriminated, humiliated and bullied by them when we embraced wholly our unhindered sexualities. However, they also moulded us to become powerfully durable and solid. Generally speaking, we condemned them so much but they were also one of the main ingredients in carving the fortified woman in us. 

It takes time to forget the past and forgive those who discriminated against us. We were tested and its because we can surmount each trial in life and who/what we are now is the by-product of what we have experienced in the past. 

We are the most beautiful and resilient women who cannot be easily cast out and disregarded. Hence, we were not born in the wrong body!

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